It's Been a While
by C.W. Smith
Summary: After visiting Yui's grave, Gendo reflects on what he has lost. A Songfic using "It's Been A While" by Staind.


Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion, that is Gainax entertainment. I don't own the lyrics to this song, that is property of the Band "Staind."  The words I put to this music and using these characters are however mine, but at the request of any of the above I will remove them as requested.

**"It's Been A While"**

**By: Lord Legato Deathscythe**  
  


Gendo walked through the cage of Evangelion Unit-01. It had been ten years to the day, since Yui had been taken by her own creation. Since he had lost the only one that had seen beyond what the world had seen. It was always the same this day, he'd go to the grave marker with Shinji and spend maybe a few minutes with his son except for the past two years. Two years Shinji had hated him. Not once though, during the past ten years had he said anything to the boy. What could he say? It had been so long since he had even considered being a father. 

  
_And it's been awhile  
Since I could hold my head up high  
And it's been awhile  
Since I first saw you  
And it's been awhile  
Since I could stand on my own two feet again  
And it's been awhile  
Since I could call you_

_And everything I can't remember  
As fucked up as it all may seem  
The consequences that I've rendered  
I've stretched myself beyond my means_

But all that seemed petty in the wake of what had turned him into what he was today. The day SHE had been taken from them, from him. The day their lives had been ripped apart by a gathering of bioengineered muscles and electronic circuitry that demanded a soul in exchange for its existence. When it had taken Yui for itself.  
_  
And it's been awhile  
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted  
And it's been awhile  
Since I can say I love myself as well  
And it's been awhile  
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do  
And it's been awhile  
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you  
  
_

Every year on this day, Gendo couldn't help but think of what might have been. IF Second Impact had never occurred, or IF Yui had never created Unit-01. What would he have been like after all this time? Would he and Yui have raised Shinji and given the home for him they had dreamed of? Would the nightmare that made Gendo awake screaming at night never have taken place? So many questions, so many possibilities. If only Yui had been with him.

It was all her. All he had done had been for her. But he wasn't the same man that she had married anymore. Time had changed him. 

_  
And everything I can't remember  
As fucked up as it all may seem  
The consequences that I've rendered  
I've gone and fucked things up again  
  
Why must I feel this way?  
Just make this go away  
Just one more peaceful day!_

It was at night he felt it most. The loneliness and solitude he had driven himself into after her loss. Gendo could still remember their wedding night, the feel of Yui's body against his and the sound of her breath as she slept. He could remember with almost crystal clarity the night that Shinji, their son, had been conceived. Every touch, every move when they had been together. 

His memories of that time made the night much lonelier and much more frightening._  
  
And it's been awhile  
Since I could look at myself straight  
And it's been awhile  
Since I said I'm sorry  
And it's been awhile  
Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face  
And it's been awhile  
But I can still remember just the way you taste  
  
_

Gendo stood in front of the behemoth, the glaring demon that had destroyed everything THEY were. Despite how he acted towards the boy, he felt so much sorrow for how he had cast Shinji aside. He had never wanted to do that to anyone, never wanted to abandon his son. But at the time he was scared. Scared that something would happen to harm his son, the only connection he had left to Yui. So he had sent him away. It wasn't the right thing to do, but it was the best thing, the only thing he could do. 

Seele wouldn't have allowed him to leave after that moment, he could have only hoped that Shinji could escape that. 

And, when he was left without an option, Gendo Ikari had done the one thing he had been afraid of. He had gotten Shinji involved.

_  
And everything I can't remember  
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me  
I cannot blame this on my father  
He did the best he could for me  
  
_

But now, that was all irrelevant. Soon, the Angels would be defeated and Third Impact would come. The old men were hoping for the final days so they could enslave the souls of humanity. The next step in evolution they called it, but Gendo knew better. Nothing ever came from death but death itself. 

He would stop them. All their plots and plans, their scenarios, would be for nothing. He, Gendo Ikari, would make sure that Third Impact went as he saw fit. That Yui would be returned to him.

That the heaven she wanted for their son would be a reality.

_  
And it's been awhile  
Since I could hold my head up high  
And it's been awhile  
Since I said I'm sorry_

If he failed, Gendo would be remembered as a monster, and perhaps he was now. If he had the chance to change anything of the past he could already name that change.

Yui would never have test piloted Unit-01. That was when his and his sons real suffering had begun.

Authors Notes: Well, I have been listening to the "Break the Cycle" disc for Staind a lot lately and came up with some ideas for a few things. This song fic and an AMV I'll probably try to create when I get set up in Korea. This is of course my FIRST attempt at a song fic, and I must say it's almost as difficult as writing a MST. You have to time everything and set it all in one spot. You have to get all the breaks as you want them just right. I hope I have succeeded with this fic.

Thanks to my pre-readers: Little Bit, Alnilam, Angel 17, Ken Sohryu, TommyRude, Sarevock, and all my others. You know who you are and you know you should be congradulated.

C&C as always is welcome at webmaster@darkscribes.org


End file.
